hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
