there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
