I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
