i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
