Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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