I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
