i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!