Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
