my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
