I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I intend to get homeless drunk
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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