I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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