I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
