I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
