I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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