a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
