Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
