Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
