those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
