I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
