lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
