You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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