dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Floor bacon is actually really good
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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