How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
