I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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