you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
