fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
