Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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