i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
