Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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