Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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