there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
