FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
