wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
