Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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