it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
