Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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