She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
