I think i sorta joined a cult last night
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
