Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
