Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
