God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
