why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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