My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
