i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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