The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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