At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
