Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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