T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
