I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
