Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
