I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
