May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
