he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you never un-have a 4some
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
