She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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