What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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